It’s that time of year where everything feels a little bit sadder and less colourful. It’s nearly two years since my Dad has passed. I’m in Tenerife on the actual day, so I thought I’d write a bit on here before I go away, just to get it all out in the open and perhaps to make me feel a little bit better.
I can’t quite believe it’s been two years, but sometimes a ‘Bad Dad’ day is a lot heavier and you really can feel every second that it’s been two years.
What I have noticed, this year in particular, is my awareness of time and how it’s sped up around this time of year. January was his (and my brother’s) birthday. February flew like I don’t know what hit it because I was so engrossed in work. March has been much of the same. And we’re back to April again, with Mum’s birthday and my birthday quickly approaching.
I’ve noticed how my mood has changed in this past week leading up to it. I have cried and sobbed and wept at things I wouldn’t usually. I have been feeling down, I have been extremely quiet and I have been very thoughtful. I’ve felt guilty about enjoying myself recently and will fall into lulls of being sad and down again.
I think these are two massive things that you perhaps don’t realise on the first ‘anniversary’ of someone’s passing, but you are definitely more aware of on the second.
I am very lucky in that my support circle is still here (… the majority of it anyway) and I often talk about Dad with my Mum and Jay, as well as people in the pub. But it’s still those looming questions of ‘what would he think of me now?’ and ‘would he be proud?’ and that’s not a cue for people to go, ‘hey, he would be proud of you, don’t think like that, you’re awesome‘, because no one knows that for sure, do they? I still worry about my brother, but he’s 21 and pretends he doesn’t have feelings. We don’t talk about Dad so much, which I don’t like.
I have donated my £50 to Cancer Research for this day of remembrance and in memory of my Dad and how much I miss him. And I will think of him when I’m away on holiday. Just like I think of him every other day when I’m at home.