Tag Archives: Dad

Dad. Nearly Two Years On.

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It’s that time of year where everything feels a little bit sadder and less colourful. It’s nearly two years since my Dad has passed. I’m in Tenerife on the actual day, so I thought I’d write a bit on here before I go away, just to get it all out in the open and perhaps to make me feel a little bit better.

I can’t quite believe it’s been two years, but sometimes a ‘Bad Dad’ day is a lot heavier and you really can feel every second that it’s been two years.

What I have noticed, this year in particular, is my awareness of time and how it’s sped up around this time of year. January was his (and my brother’s) birthday. February flew like I don’t know what hit it because I was so engrossed in work. March has been much of the same. And we’re back to April again, with Mum’s birthday and my birthday quickly approaching.

I’ve noticed how my mood has changed in this past week leading up to it. I have cried and sobbed and wept at things I wouldn’t usually. I have been feeling down, I have been extremely quiet and I have been very thoughtful. I’ve felt guilty about enjoying myself recently and will fall into lulls of being sad and down again.

I think these are two massive things that you perhaps don’t realise on the first ‘anniversary’ of someone’s passing, but you are definitely more aware of on the second.

I am very lucky in that my support circle is still here (… the majority of it anyway) and I often talk about Dad with my Mum and Jay, as well as people in the pub. But it’s still those looming questions of ’what would he think of me now?’ and ‘would he be proud?’ and that’s not a cue for people to go, ‘hey, he would be proud of you, don’t think like that, you’re awesome‘, because no one knows that for sure, do they? I still worry about my brother, but he’s 21 and pretends he doesn’t have feelings. We don’t talk about Dad so much, which I don’t like.

I have donated my £50 to Cancer Research for this day of remembrance and in memory of my Dad and how much I miss him. And I will think of him when I’m away on holiday. Just like I think of him every other day when I’m at home.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

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Bit of a serious post today. I feel a bit weird about writing this post, if I’m being completely honest with you. I haven’t posted about my Dad in what seems like forever, but I’m feeling a bit down about his birthday this year. I think it’s a realisation of a lot of things.

Today, my Dad would have been the ripe age of 54. He would’ve gone to work like any other day and not expected to be treated any differently. He wouldn’t have even wanted us to get him any presents – and wouldn’t have cared if we hadn’t bought him a card. We probably would’ve gone to TGI Friday’s (or Macaroni Grill, if it was still open!) this weekend to celebrate, each of us daring the other to tell the waitress it was his birthday, so they’d all sing to him, and ended up in the pub, with Dad calling to the ‘Engine room’ for his beer.

I do miss my Dad. I think about him all the time. I think about what he’d say about my job now and what words of advice he’d have for me to do better in everyday life. Well, everything apart from weight loss – that’s where I get my ‘heavy bones’ from. Everyday, I appreciate what he gave my family and me, and how he supported every one of us with where we wanted to go. And that’s not just Mum, brother and me, but our extended family too, from cousins to uncles and aunts. It says a lot when you talk about someone after they’ve gone, and I think there’s a story told either about Dad or one that he relayed to others at least once a week in the pub or on the phone to someone else, maybe even in one of Dad’s old offices.

Dad has been gone nearly two years. I can’t believe it’s been that long, because it feels like just yesterday when we were singing along to the Two and A Half Men theme tune in my parents’ living room or joking about what make up I had on my face. A lot has changed in two years. I have a different full time job and a different part time job – yes, I had both a full time job and part time job two years ago! My brother has seen many different girls (which Dad would’ve been slightly proud of!) and has nearly finished his degree. Mum has changed the house and the garden and the driveway… and my house and my driveway… We had no dogs and now, we have three. My Uncle is now divorced. My cousin finished college and got a job. We now have a second-cousin in Cambridge. And that’s all I can think of, off the top of my head!

The thing that hasn’t changed through this? He hasn’t been here to see it. I think that’s what I miss the most. Well, that and his advice. It’s difficult to speak to someone when they’re not there.

Two years ago today, I would’ve spent £20 on Marks and Spencers socks or a tie for my Dad’s birthday. For the second year running, today I will donate £50 to Cancer Research UK in his memory. And tonight, I will eat ham, egg and chips – my Dad’s favourite meal – washed down with a pint of cider with three ice cubes – I still don’t know why there should be three ice cubes, but he used to say ’not two, not four; just three’ – probably listen to some Rolling Stones, Oasis or Rod Stewart songs and I will remember the fond times I had with him for 22 years. It’s true when they say ‘gone but not forgotten’.

Weight Loss, Water and Plenty of Exercise.

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Well, following my last post, I lost 1.5lbs last week.

This week, I gained half lb.

I have been stepping up my training, so I have reason to believe that its muscle, rather than faaaat! But I’m on my diet like no one’s business at the moment. I’m eating exactly what I should be eating. I’m not going outside my daily point allocation and, although I’m earning activity points (6 points per hour), I am not touching them either! Maybe that’s why I gained though… Because I’m not eating enough. I’m drinking 1.5 litres of water at least per day. Yesterday, I drank nearly 3 litres. Water speeds up fat loss, don’t you know. As I take a swig out of one of my 1.5 litre bottles.

Training has been going well. I am getting faster – well, as fast as you can for distance training. A 40 minute mile is my aim and that’s where I’m at right now. So it’s progress. I swam for an hour and a half the other day and didn’t really feel tired. But then, I had a shitty training session in the morning, because I hadn’t drank enough water. Lesson learned: drink tonnes of water when I’m swimming this for real.

Charlotte and I have joined the Zumba revolution. For those who haven’t tried it, do. It’s like aerobics to Latino music and Latino dance moves. It’s seriously addictive and we’re doing two sessions a week from next week! It doesn’t feel like you’re working out at all – but then you feel the sweat dripping from your forehead, so it must be doing something! On our Tuesday session, I’ll be swimming before hand as well! I must shift this weight… Particularly before weigh ins on Wednesdays!!

Today is a bit of an exciting day for me. My wardrobe is being delivered! Between the hours of 3pm and 7pm. FINALLY. I have saved and saved AND saved! And now I will have somewhere to store my clothes which won’t look like Primark railings. Seriously. Jay doesn’t want the wardrobe in our room, but God damnit, it’s going in there! I got up extra early to rearrange our room, ready for our new arrival. No, it is not a baby. I cannot wait to build it tonight. Ikea is like grown up Lego. I love it!!

So what am I doing this weekend, I hear you ask? Well, on Saturday, I have to swim, go to my Zumba class and teach swimming lessons for an hour. I might even push the boat out and go for a run! AND obviously, I’m gonna move all my clothes into my wardrobe! Yay!!

Sunday is Father’s Day. Yikes. I have donated my Father’s Day donation to Cancer Research. We’ve already gone through one of these and, although it doesn’t feel any easier yet, I’m sure it will do eventually. I felt really sad earlier this week and my head just kept flashing back to ‘the night’. I had a bad swim that day as well. I have to remember what I’m doing this swim for and what Dad would be saying now. Probably laughing at me, and thinking I would never be able to do it!

On Sunday, Jay and I are going out for lunch. We haven’t been out for a meal in a small age, so we’re living on the edge and going to lunch. And I have my discount card for 2 for 1 on all courses. So it’ll be cheap and cheerful!

My budget hasn’t been going as awesome as I hoped it would. I have been spending like a good’un. But that recycling phone website has given me £80 for my severely smashed up phone. Happy days! That’s going straight on a cover for my iPhone! And some new trainers. As I left my ones out in the rain the other day. Sigh.

So we’re starting our budget again! All my direct debits/savings have come out, I have paid friend for the iPhone and I’ve filled my car up with petrol. The outstanding direct debits are for phone bill, laptop and car insurance. I have to be super strict with my budget.

But alas, my dear reader, do not fret. Subway Subcard is all about earning triple points per sub that I buy and I have a low fat sub for lunch every day (9 points, in case you were wondering!). So, whilst this triple point thing is going on, I may as well use cash to buy my lunch and earn the points in order to get FREE Subway later on in life! HOOR-FRICKIN’-RAY!! Seriously, I have currently earned enough points for 3 free subs, but I’m going to hold out until the end of the month when I need free lunches! Also, you get the chance to win free things every day – I have won 2 free medium drinks or packets of crisps! SAVINGS!! I also am in for a chance of winning a Nintendo 3DS, which, if I do win, will be going straight on Ebay for more moneys to spend! Hahaha. I won’t win though. I never win.

I am feeling happy, Reader. Everything is going awesome. Don’t think I have not realised that I have not mentioned puggles in this post. We are still coming up with some awesome names. Yesterday, we were going through Harry Potter names. Fang is my favourite :)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Memorial Dinner #1

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Although a little apprehensive about the whole occasion, I actually had a really nice time last night at Dad’s memorial dinner. Seventy eight guests were yes’s, about seventy of them turned up – always take into account the 10% that pull out at the last minute or don’t turn up! – which is an amazing turn out. I think if I had a memorial dinner, it’d just be Mum, George and Jay. It again brought home how well my Dad was thought of. It never ceases to amaze me.

We were surrounded by men. Lots of them. There were obviously a few women, but I’d say about 95% of the guests were male. I had to explain my job about fifty million times. When you say that you teach babies under the age of one year old to swim, you do get some funny looks. “How can you teach them to swim when they can’t even support their own heads? Babies can naturally swim under the water, can’t they? Don’t you just throw them in and see what happens?” and so on and so forth.

Everyone asked about George who wasn’t able to turn up, as he had exams in Exeter and that. Seriously, George will be made up for life as I’m sure they all would offer him a good job in a heartbeat.

As predicted, I cried. I felt really dumb for doing so. Basically, Phil (either mine or George’s Godfather – no one seems to remember who) had written a speech and, although heartfelt sentiments were read, I didn’t cry at that bit. I cried when they mentioned the amount of money we raised in his memory for Cancer Research UK. And I cried again when I was reminded that a year had passed. My Mum was so strong, I don’t know how she managed it. So many people came up and asked how she was coping and she was like, “Yeah, fine, just sorting out paperwork” and carried on. Just how on earth? My bottom lip was going when people were asking me how she was coping!

Food was good, comedian was funny. Long lost friends were reunited. Generations of people chatted about an amazing man who they were lucky to be friends/colleagues/whatever with. They’re talking about doing it annually, and that “next year will be bigger”. I don’t quite know how they will manage that! Maybe they’ll book the Rolling Stones?!

I was told several times about how much I look like my Dad. It’s weird, I’d never seen it before, but hey, Dad spent most of his weeks and hours with those guys, so they’d know what he looks like better than me! In the end, it became a joke and I’d retort, “Well, I actually have a neck, whereas my Dad’s head just joined to his shoulders” or “Oh no, don’t tell me my hairline is receeding already!”

The deets of my swim are now being passed around the whole entire group and today alone I’ve raised over 600 quids. That’s double what I was on via Facebook friends! There’s a guy on the page, “Willy Wombat” and we have no idea who it is. He donated a very large amount for my swim and another large amount on Dad’s memorial charity page, but we just don’t know who it is! Maybe his identity needs to be kept secret!

Anyways. Feeling at peace and awesome. Kinda comforted about how fondly remembered my Dad really is. And he really was a superstar. He knew that in every single language, just so he could tell people. Proud daughter, over here!

A bit of this, a bit of that…

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We had a pretty good weekend last weekend, considering the factors. On Friday, I started my tributes to Dad by wearing his hat that he wore to every Madness concert he went to – and believe me, it was a few as it was starting to become a Christmas time tradition!

On Saturday, we had a really good day. The sun was shining and it felt like we were wandering around the shops on holiday rather than in Covent Garden. The whole environment was buzzing – even more so when we went to the Mexican and drank several (very alcoholic!) Mojitos :)

Then it was time to go and see Jersey Boys. I think I was pleasantly surprised at the story and the songs that I didn’t have any idea that they wrote. Now I’m going through a whole Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons music fad. On Sunday, I even made the pub put on my Frankie Valli greatest hits that I’d bought after the show. The downer of Saturday was that the drinks were extremely costly when we were in the theatre – £54 for two rounds of drinks, a box of malteasers and two bottles of water! What on earth!

On Sunday, it was surprisingly happy and joyous. We had ham, egg and chips in the back garden of Mum’s house, because it was so sunny. Then, after the boys took the dogs for an extremely long walk, we went down the pub. I continued my tribute by drinking pear Magners with three ice cubes – not two, not four, but three.

It’s a considerably weird feeling, this whole year. It feels like it happened yesterday, but yet feels like it happened four or five years ago. I’m happy when I think of the memories, but sad with the realisation he’s no longer here. It just seems a whole bunch of contradictions of how I’m feeling. It’s hard to explain because you only ever lose your parents once and so you don’t know how you should feel. *shrugs* I don’t know, but I’m not going to dwell on it too much. I’m feeling how I am and there’s not much else I can do about it, is there?

A lot of people have noticed a change in my personality recently – that I’m a lot happier and relaxed. I think it’s the job. I did love the people in my job in the City, but now I guess I’m doing something I really and truly love and feel passionate about. I met up with some of my London friends on Thursday and had a really nice time, catching up and talking rubbish :) But they’re still talking about Internety things that I don’t get! Ha! I think I’ve mastered the whole “sitting and nodding” thing, whilst zoning out and thinking of girly things like shoes and nail varnish.

I think for me to become truly happy, I have to shed the weight. It still makes me increasingly self conscious and I suppose not as confident as 18 year old me was. So although the diet has been slacking (read: Mexican and ham, egg and chips!), I need to work a whole tonne harder to lose the three stone I have left to lose. And I will do it :)

I’m swimming tonight and I’m going to try and swim for a whole hour and a half – half of what I will be swimming a day in August! This whole swimming thing is a gradual process – I wish I could just bust out the 21 miles already! Makes me wish I didn’t give up swimming when I went to uni! Three tiny words. Bring. It. On. :)

I also need to budget this month and (probably) for the rest of the year! Last month, I kind of overspent, with buying pretty canvases and fixing my broken car window, and in the upcoming months, I have two new monthly outgoing: payment for my new car (thanks, Mum!) and car insurance, because I no longer live at home, and my brother and I no longer share a car. I figured that I could comfortably live on £100 a week. That’s more than £10 a day! In fact, screw it, I’ll live on £70 a week! I honestly just have to be good and not overspend. At all. Any money out of my £70 weekly budget that isn’t spent gets rolled over to the following week. And of course, any pennies go into our unbreakable money box, until we decide to break it :)

This week will be a good one :)

One Year On…

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My Musical Tattoo in memory of my Dad

I find myself writing this too soon. I am at work on Friday 8th Apr, and I just feel slightly overcome with emotion – so much that I need to vent. But thanks to the wonders of WordPress, you guys will see this on the actual anniversary of my Dad’s passing. Technology nowadays, eh?

A year has gone and I still miss him so much. They say the first year is the hardest – I think they were right. A lot has happened in the past year – just read this blog and you’ll see what dumb things I have done in order to cope (see my Don’t Look Back In Anger tattoo above). I don’t know how we all even made it through the first year without my Dad. Usually he’d have a yearly plan so we knew when we were on holiday or precisely when we had to get our hair cut.

The fact is I don’t think people ever stop grieving. Especially when you have good relationships or friendships with the one you are grieving for. The past week has been extremely difficult for me – I’ve found it almost like a countdown to a really upsetting day, which I suppose it has been.

After the accident had happened, I used to feel Dad around a lot. I know it’s weird but it just felt like he was there or watching what I was doing. I don’t feel that at all anymore.

I think the hardest thing to cope with is that everyone else’s lives have moved on. People he used to work with are still working. People who turned up to the funeral went back to work in the afternoon. It’s almost as if my family’s life is frozen. Almost like a tent pole breaking in half and now we’re just a broken tent. It’s not as if I want people to keep grieving, because it’s not nice – in fact, it’s probably one of the most horrible feelings that I’ve ever experienced – but when you’re experiencing it with your family, it’s even worse because you can’t do anything for them, just like they can’t do anything for you.

I wonder if he would actually be proud of me, of what I have achieved or if he would think I’m just a glorified swimming teacher, who didn’t actually need those degrees in the end. Or if he’d actually be proud of the person I am today – that the accident has affected me positively to realise how much family means to me. I know it meant a lot to him.

The weekend just passed (or the one that will start in half an hour from when I’m writing this) is Mum’s birthday and we took her out to London for the day, for shopping, Mexican food and to watch the Jersey Boys. On Sunday, in memory of Dad, we sat in our tracksuit bottoms on the sofa and ate ham, egg and chips, which was my Dad’s favourite meal. Today, (Monday from my time spectrum!) I will be taking half the day off of work to be with my family. I don’t know how I’m going to be feeling then. I just completely and utterly miss him so much.

I don’t know if he tunes in to read my blog posts, but if he does, I love you, Dad.

Swimming the Channel #2

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I feel like I haven’t written here for a while, so I suppose it’s best to do so. Not much has really been happening, but it’s good to offload some of the random thoughts in your head, right?

I got my new car on Friday! Hooray! It’s so girly and I love it! I will post some photos up when I get a chance to take some. I’ve been fairly busy these past few days… well, busy and hungover.

I have been drinking quite a lot in the pub recently. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic, but defo a glorified binge drinker! I don’t like how it makes me feel the next day and it even ruined my weekend this weekend – I was meant to go to Jay’s granddad’s 80th, but I was so poorly, I couldn’t even look at the television screen for hurting my eyes.

It will be a year since Dad died next week. I honestly feel like rubbish when I think about it. I think, because I’m very conscious of when the date is, my emotions are all the more heightened. I cried twice today: once when I couldn’t open my door and had to drive to Mum’s, the second when I’d finally got in my house. It may have something to do with me, feeling so tired. I’m not sleeping very well and I’m having the weirdest of dreams. I woke up in the middle of the night which is rare for me, as I sleep through anything. I don’t know. I think it’s going to be a difficult week.

I’m going training tonight for my swim and I’m going to swim the mile 5 minutes faster than what I did before. I trained once last week and my recovery period took two days. Two days. I must learn to recover faster, particularly as I won’t have the two days in between swims to recover. This week, my aim is to swim tonight and tomorrow night and I would like both miles to be under 45 minutes. If I’m feeling alright, I might even have time to do another on Wednesday, but I don’t want to push it. Even after my first swim, I’d aggravated an old swimming injury in my right shoulder, which seems to be fine now. I don’t think my brother is actually serious about doing it, which is fine. I came up with the idea, I don’t mind doing it on my own and I’ve already raised £380.00. Please donate if you haven’t already here. Seriously, every penny counts. And even more so, as more and more people become affected by cancer. If not directly, I’m sure you’ll have known someone who’s had cancer, survived cancer, had a cancer scare or died from it, so why not put something towards it to try and prevent it?

I’m at work and I’m taking bookings for our next course which starts in May. I’ve booked two people on so far. Hooray. We need, roughly, 200 people more to enrol onto our course to meet targets. Fingers crossed, eh? I figure I need to market some more. If you know of any new mums in Essex who might be interested in swimming, please forward them to me :)

Anyways, that’s all for now! I’ll write again soon.

Swimming the Channel #1

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Well, the pool can cater in order for me to swim the width of the channel over seven days, so today is officially day one of knowing that in 133 days, I’m going to be starting a huge challenge in memory of my Dad. If you haven’t had the chance to sponsor me (why the hell not?!), please visit my sponsorship page at http://www.justgiving.com/Frances-Barrett  – and it goes without say that every little counts, seeing as cancer still affects a huge percentage of people, and you never know what that pound you donated will develop into.

I’m weirdly excited, I don’t think it’s quite sunk in what I’m actually doing yet. Twenty one miles over seven days. That’s three miles a day. So far, I have two steps to achieve for this week:

  1. Buy a new swimming costume to replace stolen one.
  2. Tomorrow, swim a mile and time how fast it is. A mile an hour is literally a length per just under a minute. I think hope I can swim a little faster than that.

The rest of the week is a write off, due to plans I have already made and can’t break. It does suck, but I will try to fit in at least another mile swim this week. I’m going to ensure the training is gradual. I haven’t distance swam in a very, very long time and I don’t want to strain myself too much. Plus, I have got a fair amount of time to train in, so there’s no rush. I suppose next week, I’ll be increasing the amount of swims per week.

Anyways, I’ll keep writing up here about this huge challenge. Hopefully, this will help me lose my weight as well :)

Drunk post. Read at own will.

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So I’m currently a little very tipsy. I left the pub about half an hour ago, but I feel the need to write this post as I’m feeling a little upset and pissed off at the world. I had a very pleasant evening in the pub, full of banter and vodka which is fab. I returned home to unsuccessfully find the key to my house and answering the question, “why are you getting drunk so often?” to which I replied “are you really unaware it’s been a year since everything?” and then being called unfair. And I am writing this blog to discuss, am I really being unfair?

This week, my car was broken into. The passenger window was smashed, my bag, my sunglasses case and my sat nav stand and cable was taken. Granted, the robber must’ve thought that the bag had the sat nav in, but luckily that was in the glove compartment that he didn’t check, and the bag was full of damp swimming kit. So he pretty much had a fail of a car robbery.

At first, although in shock whilst driving to my Mum’s house, where the car is registered, I was pretty angry. What the hell was this person thinking, breaking into my car, taking my stuff? Then, as I called my Mum, I cried. How could this happen to a pretty respected part (well, outside a private hospital) of my home town? How safe am I? Then, I joked about it. Thank God, I’m getting a car with all the windows, I would say to my cousin. Luckily I’m getting that new car next week, I’d joke to my granddad. Then, I woke up at 4am in the morning, feeling completely violated. Anyone could, if they wanted to, get into my car and take whatever they wanted. What gives them the right to do so? Why aren’t they paying the £202.43 to pay for my new window?

I still feel pretty violated by the whole thing. But the window got fixed and I am £200ish out of pocket. Such as life. Worse things happen. And I have learnt my lesson: hide everything.

So in perspective, what happened this week is nothing compared to what happened last year. In fact, this time last year, I was probably talking to my Mum and Dad about organ donation. My Dad was still around and we had no idea what would happen in a couple of weeks’ time would happen. Through this whole ordeal, it has made me understand how much family means.

I am very lucky to have a family who still speak about Dad and still tell his stories, however I know that this has affected all of us so much. If I’ve had a really bad Dad day, I will have a flashback of the early hours of 10th April 2010 and I won’t sleep (rather like tonight, I guess). My brother will sometimes text me, when he’s drunk, and say how much he misses Dad. My Mum will sit in the car and tell me of how she heard a song and almost heard Dad singing it.

I suppose the worst thing about the year gone is that it has gone so quickly but yet so slowly. It feels like it was almost two minutes ago that it happened, but I have changed so much as a person because of it and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Dad. But I am so worried that I am going to forget who my Dad was and the stories that we had. I suppose that’s why I started this blog, really; to write down and remember what I was feeling and the specific memories that stuck out, like the fact that this time last year, he would’ve just come back from Tenerife and be completely chuffed that the bar man out there would spot him and Mum walking towards them and start pouring a Barcardi and bottled coke before they even stepped in there, and that he’d worked so hard to get nine weeks holiday.

Every song that he used to sing, I will always hear in his voice. I just miss having him around. So I don’t think I’m being unfair. Maybe a little selfish but I just miss my Dad so much. In terms of grief, no one can tell you how you feel, because everyone feels differently. Everyone has a different relationship with every other person they know, so there is no way that my Mum or brother could be feeling how I am about missing my Dad. I suppose this blog is my release…

Don’t Look Back In Anger, I Heard You Say

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I’m having a bad Dad day today. I have no idea what has brought it on. It’s not as if it’s a birthday, an anniversary or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s just sitting here in the office on my own. You start thinking about stuff. You email Cancer Research UK lady who’s helping you with your fundraising. You tell her that last year, your family raised £32,000.00 for Cancer Research UK in memory of your Dad. And then you start reading the posts of the people who donated.

I really miss Dad. A lot. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about him, for at least half my day. I look in the mirror and I have his eyes (minus the eye liner and mascara) and his chin. I hear songs on the radio that I know he would love, but he didn’t get a chance to hear. I see bloody West Ham winning and can hear his sarcastic remarks about how he was a jinx every time he went up there.

You probably relate to one of your parents more than the other, right? I think it’s only natural, really. Common interests and stuff. Looking back, after thinking I related more to Mum, I think I was wrong. I talk to Mum about artists who are now probably the most influential people of our generation, Mum doesn’t get it.

The worst thing is you don’t expect the people you love to just die. He didn’t know he was going to die that night. We didn’t know he was going to die that night. You get this idea in your head that the people you love are just going to exist forever. They don’t.

On the brighter side, this whole ordeal has made me into a stronger, better person. Someone he’d be really proud of. And what hurts even more is that he didn’t know me like this.

In August, I’m going to be swimming twenty one miles for Cancer Research UK in his memory. I don’t think I ever thought I’d say that. Even when I was a really good swimmer, I never ever thought I’d do something like that. It’s weird how things change when you go through losing someone you didn’t think you would lose.

I wish he was still here.